9 Things a Healthy Relationship Won’t Ask of You
When we’re deeply attached to someone, it can be easy to lose sight of the reality of the relationship. Instead of seeing things as they are, we get caught up in the ideas we have about it—the potential we believe it holds, the hope that if we just try a little harder, it will become what we dream it could be. We hold on tightly, often to the point of ignoring the sacrifices we’re making to keep the connection alive.
The problem is, when we’re so focused on making it work, we often don’t stop to ask ourselves whether it’s working for us.
In relationships, especially when we have an anxious attachment style, there’s a tendency to prioritise the relationship at all costs. We give, we compromise, we push down our needs, and we convince ourselves it’s worth it because we love them, because they could change, because letting go feels too painful to bear. But in the process, we can lose ourselves. We lose sight of what makes us feel whole, we sacrifice our boundaries, and we abandon parts of ourselves to sustain a connection that might not even be healthy.
The truth is, love isn’t supposed to feel this way. A healthy relationship doesn’t require you to compromise your core needs or diminish your sense of self. It doesn’t ask you to sacrifice your well-being, neglect your values, or live in a state of fear, walking on eggshells just to keep the peace.
It’s not uncommon to realise—sometimes only after the fact—how much you gave up in an effort to hold onto a relationship. When you’re in it, though, it’s hard to see clearly. This is why it’s so important to pause and reflect: Is this relationship allowing me to grow, or is it asking me to shrink?
Below are nine things a healthy relationship should not require of you. If you find yourself nodding along, it might be time to take an honest look at whether what you’re holding onto is helping you flourish—or keeping you stuck.
1. Avoiding Expressing Concerns for Fear of Scaring Someone Off
In a healthy relationship, you should feel safe to bring up concerns without the constant fear that doing so will push your partner away. Of course, there are better and worse ways to express concerns, and learning to approach difficult conversations with calmness and clarity can make a big difference. However, if you’ve done your best to express yourself thoughtfully and your partner consistently reacts with defensiveness, withdrawal, or anger, that’s hard to work with. A healthy relationship won’t make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells or punish you for voicing your needs. Instead, they’ll strive to meet you in the middle with openness and a willingness to listen.
2. Pretending to Be Fine When You Aren’t
Suppressing your emotions or pretending everything is okay when you're struggling isn't sustainable—and it’s not a foundation for intimacy. True connection comes from being able to show up as your whole self, messy feelings and all, without fear of judgment or rejection. A healthy relationship doesn't need you to wear a mask.
3. Neglecting Other Aspects of Your Life That Support Your Well-Being
Your career, friendships, hobbies, and mental health should not take a backseat to your relationship. A healthy partnership adds to your life—it doesn’t overshadow it. If you're losing touch with the things that make you feel whole and fulfilled, it's worth examining whether the relationship is asking too much of you.
4. Compromising Heavily on Your Non-Negotiable Needs
While relationships inevitably involve some level of compromise, there are limits. Your core values, boundaries, and non-negotiable needs are not bargaining chips. For example, if emotional safety, monogamy, or shared long-term goals matter deeply to you, these things shouldn’t be up for debate. A healthy relationship respects and honours these without pressuring you to settle for less.
5. Walking on Eggshells to Avoid Conflict
Healthy relationships embrace conflict as an opportunity for growth, not a threat to be avoided at all costs. If you're constantly editing yourself or tiptoeing around your partner to prevent arguments, it's a sign of a deeper issue. Conflict handled with respect can actually bring people closer, as it demonstrates mutual commitment to understanding and resolution.
6. Constantly Proving Your Worth or “Earning” Love
Love isn't a competition or a reward. It’s a mutual exchange of care, trust, and respect. If you feel like you’re always chasing your partner’s approval—through achievements, gestures, or overextending yourself—it’s a sign that the dynamic is out of balance.
7. Carrying the Emotional Load Alone
Relationships thrive when both partners share responsibility for emotional care and maintenance. If you're the one always initiating conversations, resolving tension, or making plans, it can feel exhausting and isolating. Healthy relationships are a partnership—both people show up for each other, emotionally and practically.
8. Staying in a Dynamic Where Trust and Safety Are Consistently Broken
Trust is the cornerstone of any secure relationship. If you're in a pattern where trust is repeatedly violated—through dishonesty, infidelity, or manipulation—it’s impossible to build the safety and security you deserve. You shouldn't have to convince yourself to stay in a dynamic that erodes your sense of safety.
9. Lying to Others (or Yourself) About How Bad Things Really Are
If you feel the need to sugarcoat your relationship to friends and family—or even to yourself—it's a red flag. Authenticity in your relationship should extend to how you talk about it. You deserve a partnership that feels good to live and share openly, without fear of judgment or shame.
Healthy Love Feels Different
At its core, a healthy relationship honours who you are, not just as a partner but as an individual. It creates space for your growth, supports your well-being, and fosters an environment where both people feel safe, seen, and valued.
If reading this feels like a wake-up call, you’re not alone. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward healing, and it’s never too late to rewrite your story. If you’re ready to break free from anxious attachment, stop sacrificing yourself in relationships, and start building a secure foundation for love and connection, my Healing Anxious Attachment course can guide you every step of the way.
With practical tools, expert guidance, and a supportive community, this course will help you heal your attachment wounds, understand your patterns, and cultivate the deep self-worth you need to create healthy, fulfilling relationships.