10 Ways Avoidant Partners Shut Down (and How to Respond)

Relationships can bring up a lot of emotions for all of us, especially when attachment styles come into play. If you’re with someone who leans avoidant, you might notice patterns of them pulling away, particularly during times when you’d hope for more closeness. These behaviours are often what’s known as deactivation strategies.

Deactivation is a coping mechanism commonly seen in avoidant attachment. It’s a way of creating distance—emotionally or physically—when the closeness of a relationship starts to feel overwhelming or unsafe. For avoidant individuals, intimacy can trigger a fear of being engulfed or losing their independence. As a result, they subconsciously pull away as a way to restore their sense of safety and autonomy.

This contrasts sharply with the activating strategies often seen in those with anxious attachment. While avoidant deactivation involves retreating from connection, anxious activating strategies are about moving toward connection—sometimes in ways that can feel intense or even desperate. Anxiously attached individuals might call or text repeatedly, seek constant reassurance, or ruminate about their partner’s feelings.

Understanding these dynamics can help you depersonalise what’s happening. Deactivation isn’t about rejecting you; it’s about your partner managing their own discomfort with closeness. Below, we’ll look at common signs of deactivation and what you can do about it.

10 Common Signs of Deactivation

1. They Pull Away Emotionally or Physically

Avoidant partners often retreat when intimacy feels too close. This could look like cancelling plans, spending less time together, or emotionally shutting down during conversations.

2. They Become Less Responsive to Calls and Messages

When deactivating, communication often takes a back seat. They might delay responding to texts or stop initiating calls altogether.

3. They Avoid Conversations About the Relationship

Discussions about “where things are going” or emotional check-ins might feel threatening, leading them to avoid or deflect these topics.

4. They Express a Desire for More “Space” or Independence

While wanting space is natural in any relationship, deactivation often involves a sudden or disproportionate request for distance to manage feelings of overwhelm.

5. They Appear Distant, Distracted, or Disinterested

You might notice a shift in their energy. They seem less present, more preoccupied, or uninterested in connecting like they used to.

6. They Downplay or Dismiss the Importance of the Relationship

Statements like, “It’s not that serious,” or, “I don’t see why this matters so much,” can be a way of minimising the relationship to protect themselves from perceived pressure.

7. They Become Overly Focused on Work, Hobbies, or Other Distractions

Rather than confronting relational stress, avoidant individuals often throw themselves into other pursuits, leaving little room for connection.

8. They Avoid Physical Intimacy or Affectionate Gestures

Physical closeness can feel confronting when they’re deactivating. Hugs, kisses, or casual touches may become less frequent—or stop altogether.

9. They Act Defensively When You Express Concerns or Needs

Bringing up your feelings might trigger a defensive response. They could perceive your needs as criticism or demands, making them retreat even further.

10. They Minimise or Withdraw During Conflict

Conflict is especially challenging for avoidant individuals. Rather than engaging to resolve issues, they might downplay the problem, go silent, or physically leave the situation.

What You Can Do

If you’re noticing signs of deactivation in your partner, it’s easy to feel hurt, confused, or even triggered. But it’s important to remember that deactivation is often about their own fears and discomfort with intimacy—not a reflection of your worth or the value of the relationship.

Here are some steps to navigate this dynamic with care:

• Pause and reflect: When an avoidant partner pulls away, the anxious instinct might be to pursue. Instead, take a moment to reflect on your own feelings and avoid acting impulsively.

• Communicate gently: When the time feels right, express your feelings calmly. Focus on “I” statements, such as, “I feel sad when we’re distant,” rather than blaming or accusing.

• Respect their need for space: If they’ve asked for space, honour that request while maintaining your own boundaries and self-care practices. This doesn’t mean neglecting your needs but finding balance.

• Focus on self-regulation: Whether you lean anxious or not, soothing your own emotions can help you feel more grounded and prevent the dynamic from escalating. Practices like journaling, mindfulness, or seeking support from friends can help.

• Consider seeking support (individually or jointly): Therapy—either individually or as a couple—can provide tools to navigate attachment challenges and build healthier patterns of connection.

Avoidant deactivation and anxious activating strategies are two sides of the same coin, each rooted in an underlying desire for connection but with opposing ways of coping with intimacy fears. Recognising these patterns in your relationship can empower you to respond with compassion—for yourself and your partner. By understanding these dynamics, you create space for healthier communication, mutual respect, and deeper connection.

Remember, relationships thrive when both partners feel safe to show up as their full selves, even as they work through their challenges.

Navigating Anxious-Avoidant Dynamics Together

If you and your partner are struggling with the push-pull dynamic of anxious and avoidant attachment styles, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to navigate it without support. My Secure Together course is designed specifically for couples dealing with these challenges, offering practical tools to improve communication, build trust, and create a secure, connected relationship.

This self-paced course dives into the unique dynamics of anxious-avoidant relationships and provides strategies to move from conflict and miscommunication to deeper understanding and intimacy.

If you’re ready to work towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship, you can learn more about Secure Together here.