Fearful Avoidant vs. Anxious Attachment: Key Similarities and Differences
In this post, we’ll explore the key similarities and differences between fearful avoidant and anxious attachment styles, and how understanding these dynamics can help you navigate your relationships more effectively.
Key Similarities Between Fearful Avoidant and Anxious Attachment
Fear of Abandonment
Both fearful avoidant and anxious individuals are driven by a core fear of abandonment. This heightened sensitivity to disconnection or rejection often leads to behaviours like overanalysing their partner’s actions, seeking reassurance, or feeling emotionally unstable when things feel uncertain.Emotional Highs and Lows
Both styles tend to come with intense emotional swings. Relationships can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, with extreme highs when things are going well and painful lows when insecurities arise. This emotional volatility can be exhausting for both the individual and their partner.Preoccupation with Relationships
Both attachment styles are highly preoccupied with the state of their relationships. People with either style may frequently worry about their partner’s feelings, seek constant validation, or tie their self-worth to how the relationship is going. This preoccupation often stems from the fear of losing the connection or not feeling good enough.Difficulty Trusting
Trust issues are a common thread between both styles. Individuals with either attachment style may struggle to trust that their partner won’t leave or hurt them, even when there’s no clear evidence to support these fears. This need for constant reassurance can lead to dependency and insecurity in the relationship.Self-Worth Tied to Relationships
Both attachment styles see their self-worth as being closely tied to the state of their relationship. When things feel unstable, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness, which only amplifies their insecurity.
Key Differences Between Fearful Avoidant and Anxious Attachment
Despite these similarities, there are some major differences in how these attachment styles manifest in relationships. Here are a few of the key distinctions:
Intimacy Push and Pull
While those with anxious attachment are typically seeking closeness and constant reassurance from their partner, fearful avoidants have a more complicated relationship with intimacy. Fearful avoidants often feel torn between craving connection and fearing it. This can lead to a confusing push-pull dynamic, where they get close to someone, but then pull away as soon as the relationship starts to feel too vulnerable. For the anxiously attached, it’s all about getting closer, but for fearful avoidants, the fear of being hurt keeps them on guard.How They Handle Conflict
In moments of conflict, anxious individuals are more likely to chase after their partner, seeking resolution and reassurance to alleviate their anxiety. They’re eager to talk things out, clear the air, and restore closeness. Fearful avoidants, however, often respond to conflict by withdrawing or shutting down. Their fear of both confrontation and closeness can lead them to avoid the issue entirely, which leaves problems unresolved and heightens emotional distance.Behavioural Consistency
One key difference is in the consistency of behaviour. Anxiously attached individuals tend to show a steady pattern of seeking closeness and reassurance. While they may experience emotional highs and lows, their behaviours are typically consistent in their desire for connection. Fearful avoidants, on the other hand, can be highly unpredictable. They may alternate between periods of intense attachment and emotional withdrawal, making it difficult for their partner to understand where they stand.Self-Sabotage Tendencies
While those with anxious attachment may experience self-doubt, they’re often laser-focused on keeping the relationship intact, sometimes even at the expense of their own needs. Fearful avoidants, however, are more likely to engage in self-sabotage. When things start to get too intimate or emotionally vulnerable, fearful avoidants may pull away or create distance to protect themselves, reinforcing their fears of abandonment in the process.Communication Style
Anxiously attached individuals tend to express their needs directly, though they may sometimes come across as overly needy or demanding in doing so. They’re more likely to vocalise their concerns and seek reassurance. Fearful avoidants, however, often keep their feelings bottled up. They might struggle with open communication, which can lead to indirect or passive-aggressive behaviours when they feel emotionally vulnerable or triggered.
Why Understanding These Differences Matters
Understanding the similarities and differences between fearful avoidant and anxious attachment styles can be incredibly helpful when it comes to managing your relationships. Whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or your partner does, understanding how these patterns show up and what drives them can help you move toward healthier, more secure relationships.
If you want to dive deeper into these dynamics, be sure to check out episode #155 of the On Attachment podcast, where I explore these attachment styles in greater detail.