How to Raise Your Dating Standards and Attract Healthier Relationships
If you’ve ever felt stuck in a pattern of dating people who leave you feeling unfulfilled, anxious, or undervalued, you’re not alone. Many people find themselves caught in cycles of mismatched relationships, often wondering, Why do I keep ending up here? The truth is, the standards we set in dating play a significant role in the types of partners we attract—and accept—into our lives.
Raising your standards doesn’t mean being “too picky” or creating impossible criteria. It’s about valuing yourself enough to pursue relationships that meet your needs, align with your values, and support your growth. Here’s how you can begin raising your dating standards to attract healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
1. Know Your Non-Negotiables
Healthy standards start with clarity. Take time to identify what you need in a relationship to feel safe, valued, and supported. These are your non-negotiables—qualities or behaviours that are essential for you to thrive in a partnership.
Non-negotiables could include emotional availability, mutual respect, effective communication, or shared values around key aspects of life. By defining these, you create a filter that helps you discern whether a potential partner aligns with your vision for a healthy relationship.
2. Practice building Self-Worth Daily
Raising your standards isn’t about anyone else—it’s ultimately about how you see yourself. When you view yourself as worthy and deserving of love, respect, and care, you’re far less likely to tolerate relationships that undermine those things.
Cultivate self-worth through daily practices such as:
Setting boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable and the other person doesn’t “play along”.
Speaking kindly to yourself, especially during moments of self-doubt.
Pursuing hobbies and activities that bring you joy and fulfilment outside of relationships.
Challenging yourself so that you get to experience your capability and efficacy.
When you treat yourself with the respect and care you desire from others, you naturally gravitate towards people who reflect those values back to you.
3. Recognise and Release Old Patterns
Unhealthy dating patterns generally stem from unaddressed wounds or fears, like a fear of being alone, a desire to prove our worth by getting someone to change, or a need for external validation. These fears can lead us to settle for relationships that feel familiar in their dysfunction but ultimately don’t serve who we want to be and the type of relationship we actually yearn for.
Reflect on past relationships and ask yourself:
What drew me to this person initially?
Were there “red flags” I ignored? Did I make excuses for them and/or myself? If so, why?
How did I feel about myself in that relationship? How did I show up? Was I my best self?
How did I lose or abandon myself in that relationship? What was the consequence? What did it cost me?
This awareness helps you spot patterns and actively choose differently moving forward. Healing these patterns may involve therapy, journaling, or simply committing to greater self-awareness in your dating journey.
4. Adopt a Long-Term Mindset
When you’re focused on short-term gratification — chasing the rush of attraction and desire — it’s really easy to let your standards slip. You might overlook incompatibilities because you’re caught up in the excitement of the chase (or the excitement of being chased), or you might tell yourself you can iron out any wrinkles later.
Shifting to a long-term mindset means asking yourself:
Can I see this person as a partner in building the life I want?
Are we able to talk about important things in a mature way?
Do we share a vision for the future?
Does this relationship enhance my wellbeing—or add stress to my life?
By considering the bigger picture, you can approach dating with a sense of purpose and intention, rather than letting fleeting emotions dictate your choices.
5. Trust Your Gut (BUT VERIFY)
Your intuition is a powerful guide, but it can be easy to dismiss it when you’re eager to make a relationship work. If something feels off early on—whether it’s inconsistent communication, mixed signals, or behaviour that conflicts with your values—listen to those signals.
Of course, when you struggle with anxiety, it can sometimes feel confusing to know whether you’re experiencing an intuitive knowing vs. an anxiety spiral. My advice in these situations is always to regulate yourself first — bring yourself back into groundedness, so that you can assess the situation more clearly without the fog of stress and anxiety. But even if it is your anxiety talking, that’s important information too. The content of what your anxiety is might be catastrophic, but the fact that you’re experiencing anxiety tells you your body is sensing something is off and needs your attention.
6. Learn to Be Comfortable Alone
A big part of raising your standards is letting go of the belief that being in a relationship is inherently better than being single. This fear can lead you to settle for less, simply to avoid the discomfort of solitude.
When you’re comfortable being alone, you approach dating from a place of abundance rather than scarcity. You’re not seeking someone to “complete” you but to complement the life you’ve already built. This shift not only raises your standards but also makes you more attractive to potential partners.
7. Celebrate Small Wins
Every time you uphold your standards—whether it’s declining a date with someone who doesn’t meet your non-negotiables or walking away from a situation that doesn’t feel right—celebrate it. These moments reinforce your commitment to yourself and your vision for a healthy relationship.
Acknowledging these victories helps you stay motivated and focused on what truly matters: finding a partnership that reflects your growth, values, and self-worth.
REMEMBER…
Raising your dating standards is not about creating a checklist or keeping people at arm’s length. It’s about aligning with relationships that honour your worth and support your wellbeing. By knowing what you need, trusting yourself, and approaching dating with intention, you set the stage for attracting partners who can meet you at your level.
Just remember, the standards you set are a reflection of how you see yourself. When you choose to value yourself deeply, the right person will recognise and rise to meet you.
Ready to take the next step in your healing journey?
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