10 Signs You’re Healing Anxious Attachment and Becoming More Secure
Healing anxious attachment is a transformative journey that impacts not only your relationships with others but your relationship with yourself. The process is gradual, and while there may be setbacks along the way, the signs of growth and deepening inner security are worth celebrating. As you develop more secure attachment behaviours, you’ll notice changes in how you think, feel, and act in relationships. Here are some of the most telling signs that you’re moving towards a more secure, confident version of yourself:
1. You’re getting better at validating yourself and your experience
Previously, you might have depended on others to affirm your feelings and experiences before trusting their validity. Now, you’re learning to look inward and validate yourself without needing constant reassurance from external sources. This shift comes from recognising that your feelings matter and that your experience is inherently valid, even if others don’t always see it the same way. You’re able to trust your own intuition and perspective, which strengthens your sense of self-worth. As a result, you feel more grounded and confident in your interactions, relying less on external approval to feel whole.
2. You’re more comfortable with space in relationships
For many anxiously attached individuals, distance or time apart from a partner can trigger intense fear of rejection or abandonment. As you become more secure, you start to see space as a normal and healthy part of relationships, not as a sign that something is wrong. You’ve developed tools to self-soothe during these periods, reminding yourself that connection doesn’t require constant proximity. You’re also learning to enjoy and value your time alone, using it to reconnect with your own needs and interests. This shift allows you to approach relationships with more trust, patience, and a sense of security.
3. You’re BETTER able to ground yourself when triggered
Anxiously attached people often feel overwhelmed by emotions when they’re triggered, leading to impulsive reactions like over-texting or overanalyzing every interaction. A sign of growth is when you can notice these triggers and pause before reacting, choosing instead to ground yourself. This might involve taking a few deep breaths, journaling, or practising mindfulness to calm your nervous system. By regulating your emotions in this way, you reduce anxiety and feel more in control of how you respond to challenging situations. Over time, this ability to self-regulate builds self-trust and allows you to approach relationships with a calmer and more balanced perspective.
4. You’re no LONGER interested in strategising, game-playing, or striving for approval
In the past, you might have overanalysed interactions or adjusted your behaviour to gain someone’s affection or approval. Now, you’re more focused on showing up authentically and letting relationships unfold naturally. You no longer feel the need to craft the “perfect” text or play hard to get in hopes of earning someone’s attention. This change reflects a growing sense of self-respect and confidence, as you recognise that true connection doesn’t require manipulation or striving. By letting go of these behaviours, you free yourself from unnecessary stress and create space for genuine, reciprocal relationships.
5. You ask for what you need (MOSTLY) without fear AND ANXIETY
Communicating your needs in relationships can feel risky when you fear being judged, rejected, or seen as “too much.” As you become more secure, you start to see your needs as valid and worth expressing, rather than something to hide or downplay. You’ve learned to ask for what you need calmly and directly, without apologising or feeling overly anxious about the outcome. This shift is rooted in the belief that healthy relationships thrive on honest communication and mutual respect. By advocating for yourself, you create more balanced and fulfilling dynamics with your partner.
6. You no longer rely solely on external validation for self-worth
While receiving reassurance from others can still feel good, you no longer depend on it as your primary source of self-worth. Instead, you’ve cultivated a stronger internal sense of value, trusting your own worth without needing constant confirmation from those around you. This doesn’t mean you never seek reassurance, but you’re now able to distinguish between occasional needs and dependence. By validating yourself, you reduce the emotional ups and downs that come with relying on others for your sense of security. This stability allows you to approach relationships from a place of confidence rather than fear.
7. You ARE LEARNING TO tolerate uncertainty
Anxiously attached people often struggle with the grey areas in relationships, feeling a need for immediate clarity to ease their anxiety. Becoming more secure means learning to sit with uncertainty without spiralling into panic or overthinking. You’re able to trust that clarity will come in time and remind yourself that you can handle whatever happens. This change stems from a growing belief in your resilience and self-worth, rather than needing external circumstances to provide constant reassurance. Over time, tolerating uncertainty helps you build deeper trust in yourself, your partner, and the relationship.
8. You ACTIVELY prioritise your own wellbeing
For many anxiously attached individuals, the focus is often on their partner’s needs at the expense of their own. Healing involves recognising that self-abandonment doesn’t lead to stronger connections—instead, it depletes you and creates imbalance. You’re now more willing to set boundaries, say no when necessary, and make choices that prioritise your own mental and emotional health. This isn’t about being selfish but about understanding that your wellbeing is essential for a healthy, thriving relationship. By taking care of yourself, you’re able to show up more fully for both yourself and your partner.
9. You have a deeper relationship with yourself
One of the most rewarding aspects of healing is the stronger connection you’ve developed with yourself. You’ve become more attuned to your emotions, needs, and values, and you take time to nurture that relationship. Whether it’s through journaling, self-reflection, or mindfulness practices, you prioritise checking in with yourself regularly. This deeper self-awareness reduces the urge to cling to others for stability because you’ve built a solid foundation within. As you strengthen your relationship with yourself, you naturally create healthier dynamics with those around you.
10. You’re less afraid of conflict
For someone with anxious attachment, conflict can feel like a threat to the relationship, leading to avoidance or overly emotional responses. Becoming more secure means understanding that conflict is a normal part of any relationship and can even strengthen it when approached constructively. You’re now able to have difficult conversations without immediately fearing the worst, trusting that the relationship is strong enough to handle them. Instead of avoiding conflict or becoming overly defensive, you approach disagreements with curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to find solutions. This shift creates a safer and more connected dynamic between you and your partner.
Healing anxious attachment is a brave and transformative process that requires time, effort, and self-compassion. Each of these signs is a milestone on your journey towards greater security and self-worth. If you’ve started to notice these changes in yourself, take a moment to celebrate how far you’ve come—it’s a testament to your resilience and commitment to growth.
And if you’re still working on these areas, know that you’re not alone. Healing is a journey, not a destination, and every step forward is progress. Keep going—you’re building the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships, starting with the one you have with yourself.
Ready to take the next step in your healing journey?
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