Questions to Ask Yourself Before Getting Back with an Ex
For those with an anxious attachment style, relationships often feel like a lifeline—a source of safety, validation, and connection. So, when a relationship ends, it can feel devastating, almost impossible to let go (more on that here). The idea of getting back with an ex might feel like the only way to calm the storm of uncertainty and restore a sense of security.
But here’s the thing: when the relationship ends, the day-to-day stressors and conflicts that may have been draining you are no longer front and centre. Instead, your mind may start to idealise the relationship, painting a skewed or distorted picture of what it was really like. You remember the highs but gloss over the lows. And when those memories come flooding back, they can make it even harder to let go.
If this sounds familiar, it’s so important to pause and reflect before jumping back into a relationship. Here are some questions to guide you as you navigate this challenging decision.
1. Have the Issues That Led to the Break-up Been Resolved?
As someone with an anxious attachment style, you might feel tempted to push past unresolved issues just to restore the connection. But without addressing the root causes of your break-up, it’s highly likely that the same patterns will repeat. Ask yourself: What steps have I (or my ex) taken to work on these issues? Is there evidence that things could genuinely be different this time?
Sometimes the desire to reconnect outweighs the evidence that it’s a healthy choice. Be honest with yourself: Are you chasing the idea of resolution, or do you have a rational basis on which to expect tangible changes?
2. Am I Just Seeking Comfort in the Familiar?
Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness, even when the relationship wasn’t serving them. This can lead to seeking comfort in the familiar, especially when faced with the uncertainty of being alone. But ask yourself: Is my desire to get back together about rebuilding a healthy connection, or am I just trying to avoid the discomfort of loneliness and uncertainty?
Familiarity might feel safe, but safety doesn’t always mean it’s good for you.
3. Am I Idealising the Good Times and Overlooking the Challenges?
When you’re anxiously attached, you might replay the highlights of your relationship—the tender moments, the shared dreams—while conveniently forgetting the arguments, misalignments, or emotional wounds. This is particularly common once the stress of the relationship fades, leaving space for nostalgia to take over.
It’s crucial to challenge this distorted view. Write down both the good and the bad moments of the relationship to gain a more balanced perspective. Were the good times consistent, or were they fleeting moments in an otherwise stressful dynamic?
4. To What Extent Is My Decision Being Guided by Fear and Scarcity?
The fear of abandonment is at the core of anxious attachment. This fear can make you feel like this was your only chance at love or that no one else will ever want you. But this scarcity mindset of course isn’t true—it’s just your fear talking. When decisions are driven by fear, they rarely serve your highest good.
Take a moment to reflect: If you truly believed love was abundant and that you were worthy of a healthy, fulfilling relationship, would you still be considering going back?
5. Does Reconciliation Feel Like Moving Forwards or Backwards?
Ask yourself: Does the thought of getting back together feel like progress, or does it feel like returning to old patterns? Healthy relationships should create opportunities for growth and expansion, even when they require effort. If reconciling feels like stepping backwards into a cycle of anxiety or uncertainty, it’s worth exploring why you feel drawn to that.
6. Have Both of Us Taken the Time to Heal, Grow, and Reflect?
As someone with an anxious attachment style, you might feel an urgency to reconnect—often before you or your ex have had the time to process the breakup. But healing takes time. Have you taken time to reflect on your patterns and what you want in a relationship? Has your ex done the same?
Without this space to grow individually, it’s unlikely that the relationship will thrive the second time around.
7. What Would I Advise a Friend in My Position?
Sometimes it’s easier to see things clearly when we imagine someone else in our situation. What would you say to a close friend who was considering getting back with an ex under the same circumstances? Chances are, you’d encourage them to prioritise their well-being, self-worth, and growth over the comfort of familiarity. Take your own advice.
8. What Do My Trusted Friends and Family Think About This?
People who know and love you can often see your relationship more clearly than you can, especially when you’re in the thick of it. If your loved ones are hesitant or outright concerned about you reconciling with your ex, take their input seriously. While the decision is ultimately yours, their perspective can help you see red flags you might be minimising or ignoring.
9. Am I Hoping My Ex Will “Fix” My Pain?
A break-up often leaves behind unresolved pain and longing, and it’s tempting to believe that getting back together will make those feelings go away. But in reality, your ex can’t “fix” what hurts inside you—only you can do that. Reuniting won’t heal old wounds unless the relationship dynamics and your own approach have fundamentally shifted.
Instead of looking to your ex for relief, consider how you can support yourself through this difficult time. Building your self-worth and learning to self-soothe are essential steps toward creating healthier relationships in the future.
Moving Forward with Clarity
When you have an anxious attachment style, letting go of a relationship can feel excruciating. But it’s important to remember that longing for an ex doesn’t necessarily mean that getting back together is the right choice. Your attachment system may be drawing you toward the familiar, but familiarity isn’t the same as love or compatibility.
Take the time to reflect honestly on these questions. By doing so, you’re not just evaluating your ex—you’re prioritising your own growth and emotional well-being. Whatever you decide, let it come from a place of self-worth and a genuine commitment to creating the love and security you deserve.
Ready to take the next step in your healing journey?
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