For people with anxious attachment, relationships can feel like a lifeline — a source of safety, grounding, and emotional stability. So when a relationship ends, the distress can be intense, and letting go can feel almost impossible. The idea of getting back together can start to feel like the only way to settle the nervous system and restore a sense of security.

There’s also something else that happens after a breakup: once you’re no longer in the day-to-day friction of the relationship, the mind can start to edit the story. The conflict fades into the background, and the highlights become more vivid. You remember the tenderness, the chemistry, the moments you felt close — and it becomes easier to gloss over what was painful, draining, or fundamentally misaligned.

If this is where you are, it’s worth pausing before you act on that urge to reconnect. Not because reconciliation is always a mistake, but because anxious attachment can make “getting them back” feel like relief — even when it doesn’t actually lead to the kind of relationship you want long-term.

Here are some questions to sit with if you’re considering getting back with an ex.

1. Have the reasons for the breakup actually been addressed?

When you’re anxious, the pull to restore connection can be so strong that it’s tempting to push past unresolved issues just to get back to “us”.

But if the underlying problems haven’t changed, the relationship often returns to the same patterns. Ask yourself:

• What actually led to the breakup?

• What has shifted since then — in me, in them, or in the dynamic?

• Is there evidence of change, or mainly hope?

There’s a difference between wanting things to be different and having a realistic basis for believing they will be.

2. Am I seeking them, or am I seeking relief?

Sometimes what you miss most isn’t the relationship — it’s the regulation it provided. The familiar contact, the sense of belonging, the predictability of having “a person”.

It can help to ask:

• If I weren’t feeling lonely or unsettled right now, would I still want to go back?

• Is this about rebuilding something healthy, or escaping the discomfort of separation?

Familiarity can feel calming, but that doesn’t automatically mean it’s good for you.

3. Am I remembering the relationship accurately?

After a breakup, nostalgia can do a lot of heavy lifting. You replay the sweet moments and minimise the parts that hurt, or the ways you felt anxious, unseen, or destabilised.

If you tend to idealise, try grounding yourself in specifics. Write down:

• what worked

• what didn’t

• what kept coming up again and again

• what you felt like most of the time in the relationship (not just on the best days)

Were the good moments the foundation of the relationship, or were they brief highs in an otherwise stressful dynamic?

4. How much of this is fear talking?

At the core of anxious attachment is a fear of abandonment, and with that often comes scarcity thinking: this was my chance, no one else will love me like this, I’ll regret it forever.

Rather than trying to talk yourself out of those thoughts, just notice them for what they are — fear responses.

Then ask:

• If I trusted that love isn’t scarce, would I still choose this?

• If I fully believed I was worthy of secure love, what would I do next?

5. Does going back feel like forward movement, or like returning?

This isn’t always a rational question — it’s often something you can feel in your body. When you imagine reconciling, do you feel steadier, clearer, more grounded? Or do you feel the familiar churn of anxiety, uncertainty, and hypervigilance?

Sometimes people go back because it feels like progress — a genuine re-choice, made with more maturity and accountability.

Other times it feels like slipping back into a loop.

6. Have we both had time to reflect and grow?

Anxious attachment tends to create urgency: I need to fix this now. But meaningful change takes time. If neither of you has had space to process, reflect, and take responsibility for your part, the relationship is unlikely to feel different the second time around.

Ask:

• Have I reflected on my patterns and what I want now?

• Has my ex demonstrated any real insight or growth?

• Are we both willing to have the honest conversations this would require?

7. What would I tell someone I love?

This one matters because it helps you step out of the emotional fog. If a friend told you the same story you’re telling yourself right now, what would you honestly encourage them to do?

Often, we offer other people the clarity and self-respect we struggle to offer ourselves.

8. What do my trusted people see that I might be minimising?

When you’re emotionally attached, it’s easy to normalise things that aren’t actually okay. The people who love you — and who have watched the relationship from the outside — may have a clearer view of patterns you’ve rationalised.

You don’t need to outsource the decision, but it can be useful data:

• Are the people who know me best supportive of this?

• If they’re concerned, what are they seeing that I’m not wanting to face?

Moving forward with clarity

When you have an anxious attachment style, missing an ex can feel all-consuming. But longing, on its own, isn’t evidence that reconciliation is the right choice. Sometimes your attachment system is pulling you toward what’s familiar because it wants comfort — not because the relationship is aligned, healthy, or sustainable.

If you do decide to reconnect, ideally it’s from a place of steadiness: with open eyes, clear boundaries, and an honest willingness to address what actually broke down. And if you decide not to, that choice can be an act of deep self-trust — the decision to build a life and a love that doesn’t require you to abandon yourself to keep connection.